A Mother's Journey
Generations of women have flocked to local bookstores to purchase "What to Expect When Your Expecting". This beloved book has provided tips and tools on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. Parents of transgender children are navigating these unfamiliar waters with limited resources and no guide. The struggle to understand how to be present, validating and guiding a transgender child is still very much uncharted waters. Parents like JMo learn via trial and error that parenting is a challenge and parenting a transgender child is similar to walking through field unsure of where the next cow patty is lurking.
I was joined by JMo in the fireplace room for charcuterie, white wine and an awesome conversation on parenting a transgender child. Her journey from Amaya to Darian has been fraught with missteps and misunderstandings. Although this was not a journey of her choosing, she would not change any aspect. This road has led her to a better understanding of herself and her child.
Parenting on its best day feels like traveling a new road on a dark rainy day; full of not clearly seen surprises. When JMo discovered she was pregnant there were a million uncertainties. The one thing she was absolutely certain about was she knew she wanted to parent a boy. She prayed for a boy and was convinced God heard her prayer. Imagine her shock when her 20-week ultrasound showed a baby girl growing in her uterus. Her devastation was so deep, she was unable to return to work the day of the ultrasound. Over the next 20 weeks she accepted and began to grow excited about her baby girl.
Parenting a baby girl may not have been her first choice but she excelled at it. The beautiful curly haired Amaya was donned in the most beautiful dresses, was a near virtuoso at the piano as well as dominated on the soccer field. This beautiful girl seemed to excel at everything including academics Together Jennifer and Amaya created a comfortable routine and world. This version of them fit well until it didn't.
As parents we enter the parenting world with the best intentions. We want to love and give our children every experience possible. However, we often find that our best intentions clash with our children's attempts in self-discovery. We try guiding them toward the experiences we feel will give them the best chance for success in life, often forgetting how our discovery journey molded us. One of the most difficult parenting milestones is accepting that our child's journey is about them, not us. We are there for guiding support. JMo acknowledges, "There is beauty in letting our kids do that on their own." However, it is still a challenge not to attempt to take control of the wheel.
JMo believes there were hints along the way she missed about Amaya not feeling connected to her birth body and gender. At age 12 Amaya was invited to join her Spanish class in Costa Rica. In preparation for the trip, the teacher sent home a packing list. The girls in the class were expected to wear dresses to formal occasions. The battle that ensued when JMo shared this with Amaya was epic! This child was completely adamant, she was not wearing pink or dresses. As many mothers would, JMo put her foot down and Amaya wore dresses while in Costa Rica. With the clarity of hindsight JMo states, " If I knew, understood better, I would have packed pant suits."
Amaya began to experiment with understanding herself around thirteen. One day JMo walked in to find Amaya stuffing her pants with socks and shortly after she began binding her breast. This was an outward beginning of the transition already occurring within her. She was becoming what she felt inside. Amaya was becoming Darian.
On February 9, 2021 Darian announced to their mother that they were transgender. Their preferred pronouns are Them, They and Theirs. As a parent JMo was shocked. And by no means opposed to Darian. Just simply shocked. This was her child no matter what. As a person who grew up in the era of counseling and talk therapy, JMo wanted to talk to get understanding. Darian is a totally different generation. The idea of talking Their way through this with Their mom was an absolute no. One day JMo approached Darian about the socks in their pants. Setting a firm boundary Darian stated, "I don't want to talk to you about this now." Turned their back attempting to bee line to their basement sanctuary.
JMo retorted, "I am afraid you will never want to talk to me about this." The two, mother and child stared at each other for a while. Darian stood with their huge brown eyes brimming with tears and scurried to their basement, their sanctuary. It was in this moment Darian shut off. Darian's mother instinctively knew they had breached a boundary. "I'm done. Darian shut me out." She could almost hear Darian's thoughts. "I don't know where I want to go and you're not ready to let me go."
To this day their ability to dive behind the surface conversation is challenged. "We still don't talk about the grit of who they are. I'm not sure who my child is attracted to," muses JMo. This mother acknowledges she is able to discuss Darian's preference for boxer shorts and Pride events. She looks forward to a day where they can discuss everything and for now is happy with the duo's progress.
Darian's mother feels she got it right with the Winter Formal. This was a time the two were able to connect. Darian was ecstatic to be seen as themself. Initially, going to Men's Express was traumatic for JMo. This was not her vision. However, JMo and Darian worked together to choose an outfit. This is a mother's dream. Helping and admiring this child prepare for a big event. They chose men's slack with a button-down shirt. JMo is still unable to explain why the tie was so significant. She poured all of herself into this tie. She remembers picking it out and learning to tie together. This event was coming together nicely. They were bonding. As the pair was applying the finishing touches mother and child's attention was drawn to Darian's hair. The hair for any mother dressing her child for a formal event is extremely important. It has to be just right. For this event they smoothed Darian's curls to a smooth version of a man bun. This child looked amazing! Their smile was undeniable. This felt right.
JMo bid her child and their date goodbye. She was compelled to her bathroom. Heart pounding, nearly in full panic mode. She felt like she was going to puke. Climbing into the tub was her only refuge. Running the water periodically to soothe her nerves. Her mind could not stop. What if someone was mean? What if someone says something or tries to hurt them? Her racing mind was winning. The fear was unbelievable. What about microaggressions? "God, please bring my child home to me?"
All of this angst was for naught. Her child returned home happier than she had seen them in a while. They actually stopped to share details of her night. JMo's heart nearly exploded. She tried her best to be calm and let this moment happen. Darian shared that their date wanted to go to the park and make out under the moon. This sounded quite romantic to JMo.This was not Darian's vision for the night, The strength that lived in this child was amazing. Admitting they weren't ready for this yet and choose to come home. They were comfortable in their skin and clearly strong enough to set boundaries.
How did this duo who found themselves on diverging roads, reconnect? It started with Darian choosing to attend Michigan State University. JMo spent years envisioning her child attending Kalamazoo College. Darian felt K College did not provide the diversity they needed. As a transgender multiracial person, they wanted to see and be around people like them. Again, JMo had to remind herself this was Darian's journey.
This mantra was challenged as the end of freshman year approached. The normally outstanding student was struggling. "Freshman year was a disaster" per JMo. As with many students away from home for the first time, Darian struggled to manage school and freedom. She wanted Darian to know it was ok to make mistakes. She let them know that anywhere on the journey we can make mistakes and still make everything alright. JMo conveyed, while academically this year was a struggle, Darian explored more versions of themself. They arrived home for the summer with piercings, decked out in all black attire. Their curly bangs providing a physical shield. Covering the eyes as they continued to discover themself. JMo was more than a little surprised and slightly taken aback. This mother was able to acknowledge and accept these changes. She also acknowledged her young adult was still finding herself.
Darian was not the only one who experienced growth. As an empty nester JMo had more time than ever on her hands. One part of her was excited. Her baby was transitioning to adulthood. The other part was confused and rudderless for a while. She began her own introspective journey. It was here she understood her drinking, while not excessive, was a barrier to connecting with her child. During the pandemic JMo indulged more and engaged less. This behavior according to JMo made the family home feel less stable, less accepting. This empty nester discovered a world that included working out, self-care. and international travel. She was able to see herself more clearly and to let her guard down.
When Darian returned home Christmas of sophomore year the family dynamic felt different. The pair felt drawn to each other. JMo states, "they could see me working. We could build trust now." Darian spent less time in the basement sanctuary. They began to seek out mom for hugs or simply to share the same space. "I'd learn to sit back and stop talking", said JMo.
This mom had learned to trust when her child was ready, they would come back. Once I realized, I was running as fast as I could in the wrong direction as a parent, I learned to be the mom Darian needed.
Leaning forward and lifting the wine glass, JMo said, "Won't He do it? I asked God for a boy. He gave me my boy." Our prayers are answered, just not always the way we envisioned.
JMo muses about her wish for a guide for parenting a transgender child. There was nothing to let her know what parenting choices were available to her. How to pace herself on this journey. Often in this parenting journey she felt isolated. She has learned to give herself grace, be patient. She wants other parents to know they aren't alone. Even though the play book has not been developed, JMo wants parents to slow down and listen to avoid the pitfalls she experienced.
If you find yourself parenting a transgender child, check out resources at cdc.gov. Know that you are not alone. Your child loves you and you love your child. Take time to get comfortable with uncomfortable converstations
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