The blue eyed girl stared longingly into the game room. Inside was the biggest bestest train set ever. The village had miniature houses and people. It even had dogs! She has loved this train village forever. She was always told she was too young to play with it. That did not stop her desire to don the conductor’s hat and drive the train. She glanced up at the wall, there was one conductor’s hat still there. Shane, her cousin was wearing the other one. She watched intently as the black lead train raced around the track with gray puffs swirling above it. She watched him moving the levers, controlling the train’s every move
The girl loved trains and everything about them. Her cousin on the other hand scared her. She didn’t know why. He had never been mean to her but she was always cautious around him. He never felt
warm, and his eyes seemed dark and empty. Her young mind struggled with opposing feelings.
Shyly, cautiously she asked, “Can I play with your train?”
His eyes scanned her from head to toe. “Sure. Pull up a chair.” He reached for the conductor’s cap pacing it on her curly coils.
She dragged the chair as close as she could to the train set. She was loving this. It felt amazing. Except for the niggling feeling in the pit of her stomach.
He placed her hands on the controls. His hands covered hers. She was so excited to be driving the train. This had to be the best feeling in the world.
Shane glanced at his watch. “I have to leave.” He jumped up grabbing his jacket and headed to the door. She watched her heart sinking.
“Come on! I have to go. Maybe can you play next time.”
She reluctantly got up dragging her feet as she went. She poked her bottom lip out for emphasis.
When he removed the conductor’s cap, he ruffled her curls. “Go find our moms. Bye”
She found her mother and aunt sitting on the deck sipping wine and laughing.
“Shane let me drive the train! When I grow up I’m going to be a conductor. I’m going to drive train all over the world. I will be the bestest train driver ever.
Her mother smiled hugging her daughter close to her. “I thought you were going to be a doctor.”
“That too! I going to do both!”
Weeks later she heard the sisters planning a dinner get together. “Mama, let’s go to auntie’s house. I want to play with the trains again. Please, please.”
“We have a perfectly good house right here. We went there last time.”
“We don’t have trains here, please Mama, please. If you buy me a trainset, we don’t have to go.”
“Girl, please. I’m not buying you a trainset. Do you know how much they cost? Nope. I guess we’re going to Auntie’s house.”
She squealed, grabbed her coat and stood at the door impatiently waiting for her mother.
She nearly jumped out the car before it stopped in Auntie’s driveway. She ran as fast as she could to the game room. Shane was there. And so was that same niggling feeling in her belly. The train was a bigger feeling.
The blue-eyed girl smiled her biggest smile. “Conductor reporting for duty, sir.”
Shane stood and pulled a chair close to his, grabbed the conductor’s hat placing it on her abundant curls.
Their time with the trains was going great. That niggling feeling seemed to subside. It did not go away.
She stood to move the miniature dog and its mom to a park bench. When she sat down again. She was sitting on Shane’s hand. She jumped up and shouted, ” Stop being such a child! Jerk!”
He smiled a smile that seemed like a dog’s sneer. “If I am such a jerk, you can leave. My trains, I can do what I want.”
She did not leave. She sat back in the chair. His hand still there. He began to rub her private parts.
“Mom is calling me. I gotta go.” She jumped from the chair rushing out of the room. That niggling feeling was a boisterous shout.
She ran until she found the sisters curled up on the couch heads nearly touching watching a Hallmark movie. The blue-eyed girl stood outside the door watching the sisters. She wanted to burst in shouting. She wanted to tell them what an awful person Shane was and what he did. She couldn’t. They looked so happy. She didn’t want to make them unhappy.
She decided then not to tell them about the game room. She would stay away from Shane and the game room. Everything would be ok.
Each time Mama wanted to see Auntie. The blue-eyed girl asked if they could have Auntie come to their house.
“Don’t you want to see the trains” Mama asked one day.
“Trains are dumb! I hate trains!” pouted the girl. She loved trains. She hated Shane and what he did to her.
These protests worked until they didn’t. Mama walked into the girl’s room hands on her hips. Auntie and I have an event tonight. Shane is going to watch you tonight. You can play with the trains.”
“No Mama”, the girl pleaded. “I can stay home. I’ll be good. I’m almost old enough to stay by myself.”
“I’m sorry baby. You’re not even close to old enough. I thought you would love to play with the trains and spend some time with your cousin.”
That was the last thing she wanted. “Mama…” she started. Her mouth couldn’t form the words. “Mama, please let me stay home. I will be good.”
“Stop this nonsense and pack your bag.”
Tears freely flowed down the blue-eyed girl’s cheeks. She packed her bag. Plopped sullenly in the back seat of the car. Her mind raced. Her soul defeated. How could she stay away from him? She should tell her Mama and then she wouldn’t have to go. The words were forming on her lips when they pulled into Auntie’s driveway. They died on her lips when she saw Shane. That niggling feeling was thudding and pounding. Shouting “No!”
She exited the car and stomped in the house. Stormed past the game room, plopped on the sofa in the den.
She heard her mother say, “I don’t know what is wrong with that girl. She didn’t want to leave the house. Swears she doesn’t like trains anymore. I just don’t’ get it.”
Auntie’s reply was “Probably some new phase. It will pass. Don’t worry.”
She watched as the sisters exited the house. She wrapped herself in a blanket, tucked herself in furthest corner of the couch. The television was dialed into Nickelodeon. Her eyes were focused on the screen, but she heard none of it. Her body must have relaxed at some point because she was asleep when she felt someone was in the room with her. She opened her eyes to see Shane sitting too close to her on the big sofa.
“What are you doing in here? I want to be alone.” She made myself look as big and intimidating as possible.
“Relax Cujo. I wanted to watch Nick at Nite. You are as good as alone. I am supposed to be babysitting you. Need to keep an eye on you.” Those empty eyes roamed across her.
The blue-eyed girl pulled her body tightly inward. The niggling feeling was sending burning flames across her skin. She eyed the door. Shane must have noticed.
“You’re staying right here. I am responsible for you. You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, right?”
Again, she stared into those empty eyes. She heard her voice saying, “You wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.”
He slid closer to her on the sofa. Placed his arms over her knees.
The niggling feeling shouted “Run!” But she couldn’t. The weight of the arms on her kept her in place. She stared at the TV seeing nothing. She felt his hands move her knees. She tried to escape over the back of the sofa. He grabbed her legs and pulled her close to him.
His arms were around her shoulders. He continued to watch Nick at Nite. Laughing. His laugh made her want to puke.
She tried to convince herself he would do anything to hurt her. Last time was a fluke. She willed her body and niggling voice to just relax.
His arm moved from her shoulders to her back. He was caressing her like she was his date. Everywhere his hand touched her body seared like a hot poker touched her.
The hand moved from her back to her belly. She started struggling to get away. He grabbed her throwing her to the ground. Her head was in a corner and his body hovered over her. She wanted to scream. Her mouth opened but nothing came out.
He unzipped his pants and pulled that thing out of his pants. Her mind shouted what is this, no, stop! Her voice failed her.
He spread her legs, rubbing that thing on her private parts. She tried to push him away but she couldn’t.
Those empty eyes were now filled with something she couldn’t recognize.
“Feels so good. You like that don’t you”, he said as he rubbed and grunted.
She looked around for something, anything. All she could see was the fireplace. Flames licking and burning. Failing to provide comfort. The Swordfish on the mantle seemed to mock her stillness.
His body shifted. Now he was above her, his cross necklace dangling in her face.
Her eyes went upward again. This time she saw herself floating above this crazy scene. The floating her had one lone tear streaking down her cheek. She was recording this monster and these feelings for them. She floated above them until he was done.
The blue-eyed girl laid there afraid to move, unable to move.
“That was great! Was it good for you” questioned Shane.
She stared at him. No words. The niggling feeling had even subsided. There was nothing. She felt nothing.
He pulled her to her feet. Walked her to the bathroom. Where he ran a bubble bath. Placed her in the tub. He patiently washed away any sign of what had occurred.
The blue-eyed girl fell further into the recesses of her mind. Hearing nothing. Feeling nothing. She was lost.
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