Sascha entered the fireplace room full of life sharing the highlights of her day. Her eyes were bright with a huge open smile. As we settled down to discuss the infamous day, her body was tense and her eyes pensive. Sharing this experience could lay open undisclosed feelings and details.
Sascha is a mother, educator as well as a woman of faith. She is the image of every woman. She grew up comfortably middle class in a family that enjoyed wine with their meals. Yet after a few experimentations with marijuana and mushrooms, she opted to live a life that did not include alcohol or substances. Well into her adult years she met her husband, Jameson. Together they created a culture where alcohol was enjoyed at meals, social gatherings and to unwind at night. This culture aided in her comfort and indulgence.
There were signs along the way indicating her use of alcohol was becoming unmanageable. Her heart was not ready to see or accept them. "God tried to get my attention many times before the infamous day. First, he sent a card, then a letter, a box and finally he hit me in the head with a 2x4."
The night before the infamous day Jameson and Sacha enjoyed a meal together. Sascha didn't know why the room felt stifling until Jameson shared his confession. This night Jameson felt the need to rid himself of the guilt he carried. This night after many inquisitions he admits to sexual transgressions. A night of harsh words and confused feelings ensued. Sascha is uncertain how the night ended. She woke up alone in her home. Pissed, hurt and lost she spent the morning putzing around the farm. Around 10 am she hops into her convertible drives to the local liquor store. There she purchased a six pack and headed home to soothe her ego and bruised soul.
She was happy this was a day off for her. An opportunity to process and unpack last night. As she moved through the house and the farm thinking, she completed the first six-pack. She again piled into the convertible heading to the liquor store. "I was so lucky, I didn't hurt anyone," said Sascha her eyes nearly brimming with tears.
As evening approached Sascha realized she had commitments. One of daughters had a recital. Jameson normally drove to events like this but this night he was MIA. Her mind could only process the need to be at her daughter's recital. Again, she hopped into the convertible for the twenty-minute drive to the community center. As she arrived at the center, she side swiped a parked car as she rounded a corner. Normally, this compassionate rule follower would have stopped and contacted the authorities. Not that night. She proceeded to the parking structure where she misjudged the distance and plowed into a light pole. She then exited the car and toddled into the community center where she took her seat, ready to enjoy the performance.
Before she settled in fully two officers arrived and placed her in handcuffs. The eyes of the patrons were focused on the well-dressed woman who appeared unfocused and off balance. Sascha was escorted out of the building to a waiting police car. Her mind raced; her heart sank. "Did my daughter witness this?' "Was she humiliated too?" Luckily her daughter did not see the show starring her mother. She would perform beautifully completely oblivious. Tonight, would be a conversation for another time...
The next stop was St. John's Hospital. She was ushered to a lab where a lab tech drew her blood beginning the legal chain of custody of her sample. As if the stop at the hospital wasn't humiliating enough her arrival at the county jail broke her. The intake officer her stripped her of her dignity. She had to remove all jewelry, including her wedding ring. Although angry and frustrated with Jameson, she wasn't prepared to lose her ring. The cell, her cell, had 3 other women in residence. All of the beds were taken. She was relegated to a mat on the floor. Heartbroken her mind cried out "what have I done?" Her eyes wondered around the cell landing on a very public stainless-steel toilet. "What have I done?"
She'd hoped Jameson would come to her rescue. He would bail her out, take her home and let her rest. The morning came and she found herself still on the cold floor, no Jameson to the rescue. Her husband did not bail her out of jail. When the judge, court system was done with Sascha for the day, Jameson finally arrived. However, he was not ready to take her home. His arrival added another stake to her heart. He was full of righteous indignation as he announced, "I can't stand to be around you. You are going to your brother's." No hello. No conversation. Just the cold announcement. Unable to hide her feelings, he was allowed to see her bewilderment and crushed heart. And he was unaffected. Inwardly, she screamed, "Who the fuck are you?! I'm not thrilled to be around you either." Some time at her brother's would be good for everyone.
Sascha's journey to sobriety began before the infamous night. Several months before she was admitted to a rehab center, she it felt was more of a detox center. This admission was on the heels of an ultimatum by Jameson, "If you can't control your drinking, I will leave you." Sascha was still committed to her husband, their family and the life they built together. She allowed herself to be admitted. She worked the process absent her heart. The missing heart space was filled with anger. She was angry she was forced into treatment. More importantly she was angry she was forced to give up drinking. She enjoyed drinking. It was hard to be committed to the process when her heart was not in it. This first attempt was a necessary failure. It planted the seeds for Alcoholics Anonymous and self-reflection.
Self-reflection became significant for Sascha. Although she was not in a sobriety program, she was taking steps towards sobriety. She was starting to examine her relationship with alcohol. This bond with alcohol was a slow slide. She and Jameson had created a culture of drinking. This culture started with the occasional social drink and grew to multiple glasses of wine per night. As Sascha worked toward sobriety, she asked for Jameson's assistance and participation. She asked him to lock away the alcohol and to temporarily refrain from drinking around her. Jameson was unable to support his wife with this request. His commitment to his drinking was greater than his commitment to his wife. Although Sascha owned her responsibility for her sobriety, it was difficult to achieve sobriety with easy access to alcohol. Two steps forward and ten steps back.
After the infamous night Sascha was ready to tackle sobriety. After her follow-up court date. She was placed on paper, which meant she was expected to attend AA meetings and see a counselor. Each meeting and visit had to be documented and sent to the court. The court also allowed Sascha to have a breathalyzer in her car. Each time she needed to start her car she would blow into the breathalyzer and as long as there was no alcohol was detected, the car would start. The sense of regained freedom was amazing. This feeling remained until the day Sascha sat behind the wheel of the little sports car and blew into the breathalyzer and the car would not start. The court frowned, removed the breathalyzer and removed her privilege to drive.
The next leg on this journey to sobriety began with a bike and a stronger commitment to working the program. Sascha embraced this new situation differently. Her bike took her places a car never could. Of course, the practical rides to therapy, to blow and the grocery store were ever present. The bike introduced her to new people, new places in her community. There were times the bike was parked at home, and she chose to ride the local rapid transit. It was here she met a cast of characters that would help usher her through some inner journeys. One of these characters was Colby, the bus driver. She looked forward to seeing his smile and enjoyed his sense of humor. Somehow, he was a safe space for her. Even from a distance he was able to propel her forward in her journey.
The anger surrounding not drinking began to dissipate. Sascha decided to end her marriage to Jameson. She accepted a challenge set by her brother. 90 AA meetings in 90 days. During these 90 days she finds her AA home. A group of professional women that connect outside the meeting with great commitment and accountability. These women walk the sobriety journey together. These women became an essential part of Sascha's life. Her heart needed this connection, needed these women. Their Saturday morning breakfast meetings after the meeting were essential in building the trust and respect needed to keep moving forward.
At some point Sascha's growth became second nature. Her love of life came back. The road still had bumps, but Sascha learned to navigate and conquer them. She bought a house in the woods and re-connected with her spirit.
Sascha is now 8.5 years sober. She has retired and is enjoying exploring new hobbies and perfecting old hobbies. She can comfortably join gatherings where others are drinking without feelings of desire. She marvels at the accuracy of her AA pals. They once told her there would be a point where she would no longer desire alcohol. At the time this sounded like hogwash. This is now her reality. She recently faced a lifetime drinking image with success. As a young person she envisioned herself in Paris at an outdoor cafe drinking wine people watching. She tackled Paris and this image with absolute success and did not drink.
According to the CDC in 2020 18.5 million people admitted on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health to driving under the influence. Before you decide to climb behind the wheel after indulging in substances consider the consequences...choose to stay home, grab a cab. Even if you don't physical injure someone, the damage to your life and future will be forever altered.
If you or someone you love is having difficulty with alcohol, contact the national 24-hour Alcoholics Anonymous Hotline at 866-210-1303.
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